*Contrite*

(10:02pm) Well according to my new schedule I've allocated myself half an hour to recollect my thoughts every evening before going to bed. This will certainly help me organize my duties, collect my thoughts, assuage my emotions, etc. - and on the other hand, it could be a royal waste of time. Nevertheless, I'm going to give it a try, and see how it works out. It may actually be quite useful, and will at least give me a chance to write regularly, or even just lavish myself with some alone time (which I have little of nowadays).

To be true to the task, I have been shirking a bit lately. This weekend was, although not a critical weekend to start studying, very important for me to get on top of readings, and I didn't really spend much time studying. I did about three hours of work today, maybe half an hour yesterday, and none on friday. It gave me enough time to go over a week's worth of Contracts Readings and the last Dworkin article for Legal Theory; but I'm still behind in Litigation and Federal Constitutional. FedCon I won't be touching until the take home - I really can't do anything more about that, apart from my readings; and Litigation I better get started on, as it is bound to be quite difficult, and will require more than a weekend to prepare. These Law and Social Essays are still at large....but I've put that behind me - like a lot of other things....

I'm quite excited that I am starting swimming tommorow. It will be the first time in a length of time I choose not to mention that I will be exercising, and if its not too tiring and/or cumbersome to lug around my swimming gear, violin, and backpack to uni two or three times a week, it should be quite a fun and restorative way for me to burn off some calories, reduce stress, and stay focused on getting my uni work done. I've bought some new (rather revealing) speedos, and will be packing my bags for both uni and swimming momentarily. 

So other than the fact that I haven't done the study I wish to do this weekend, I have made a lot of changes for the better. I'm sticking to a schedule now, which, though very busy, is actually quite enjoyable and not too unreasonable on myself. I've been making it too all my classes unassisted every morning, and I also woke up early on Friday morning, and relatively early today and yesterday - which is almost unprecedented for me. I managed to get out of the house and find somewhere I could get some study done - which is something that I would normally never bother doing, despite having the car in the carport and several hours of sunlight still left. I've decided that from now on, every Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning I'll walk a few kilometres to a park or reserve (I'll find one with a bench, plenty of sunlight and not too many distractions) and do all my readings and note-taking there. It should also give me a good hour of walking to do every day - which will be good for my heart and mind.  

I effectively have 12 hour days now - but that will be filled with everything from travelling, university, and exercising to music, recreational reading, diary writing, etc. I'm reluctant about travelling home late tommorow afternoon/evening - but if its too hard to do, I've actually come across a guy in law who lives very close by and finishes Uni at 6 - giving myself ample time to swim before I get a lift home, and giving me an extra hour to study/read/relax/practice music when I get home. I'm going to try doing it without any help the first time, and then if its too much trouble or I really require that extra hour and/or am too tired to travel, I'll ask him kindly the following week.

Well, the half hour mark has now passed - and just in time really! I've had a chance to reflect over a few things - managed to remind myself to get money off my dad for the Law Ball tickets and Gym membership tommorow, and reward myself with some modest praise, which still feels odd doing after almost a year of self-chastisement.

Though a part of me still clings to this feeling, this niggling feeling, that I've somehow mentally sold-out, smothered all my dreams for a less-complicated existence, favouring a rudimentary balance in favour to the dizzy heights and ponderous lows that I'm prone too. Yes, I admit, when I'm completely conscious of what I should be doing, I don't exactly feel like myself - there is this other voice, from whence I do not know, that cajoles me towards the righteous path - that stirs me into action when I'm feeling tired, or losing concentration. It constantly reminds me of the task at hand, and my responsibilities, and makes me feel courageous and strong - as though I could accomplish anything.

The other voice (the one that I had grown accustomed to) that encouraged my lethargy, and fed my incontinences which the most absurd rationalizations (preventing me from changing anything about myself) has now been practically killed off. It came back a few times this weekend - when I spent time composing instead of studying - but it didn't haunt me as it usually does - and didn't leave me feeling triumphant and guilty at the same time.

Although I feel stronger now, I know that the current frame of mind is kept very precariously, and I could once again plummet into a procrastinating ennui of which there is almost no escape; yet, for the time being, this does not seem like a probable outcome. What makes this process much easier - is my willingness now to swallow a measure of contentment. Before I despised contentment, as a living death, that state of mind which enslaves the masses, preventing man from self-realization, allowing one to live out a puny, meaningless existence in absolute oblivion, and letting the artistic genius within perish under the weight of 'social norms', man's weakness for vanity, and dependency on the most modest and conservative of concepts. 

However, in retrospect, I now realize this to be a very delusional thought - and more the proof of life without much experience, rather than any kind of Nietzschean vision of man's reckoning. Contentment, modesty, balance, stability - they are all necessary things. Without these, we would all crumble, all die spiritually impoverished, psychologically emaciated, and physically paralysed. I once thought happiness was something that should be ridded from one's life, as the flag-bearer of 'contentment', but not of 'experience', and/or of 'wisdom'. Somehow, I convinced myself that wisdom and happiness were utterly opposed. This is no novel idea, and I'm sure I'd find a school of philosophers that embraced my ideas outright if I spent the time looking about. I thouht that the word 'happiness' was really a reified concept, one that been repeated and referenced over and over for so long that people believed it to actually exist, but was nothing more than a mere abstraction. My mantra searched for a higher Keatsian value/truth in a happiness which could only be realized after embracing death. That moments of pure bliss and pure beauty could only be realized in the conciousness of death....

How I had convinced myself of these things I cannot tell you, but they plagued me constantly. I never thought I would actually admit to them, or bother trying to recall them. I am still uncertain whether these 'states of mind' exist, or are attainable, purely through abandoning all rigorous, rational thought in favour of desperate, impassioned whims/flights of fancy. I'm still not willing to accept the idea that these two 'states' aren't mutually exclusive. To me, it seems (ironically) too rational to see these two paths ever converging in the future.

Yet, I will ignore all this for now. Firstly, I've exceeded my allocated time. Secondly, I am sure it has not made much sense and left far too many questions unanswered; and thirdly, I know that my position is different now, and I have no plans to dwell on the past again. Suffice it to say - I am of a new mind frame now - one which embraces possibility not with a crippled hand, but a sturdy one - fueled by patience, and a positive frame of mind. Although I'm well aware it does all sound a little contrived and cliched, I assure you, these are genuine feelings - they just require nurturing. I am going to pack my bags and gather my things tommorow. Now, I sleep. Guten Abend,

Pravin.